Artistic critiques of monet, if monet had been a woman

Published in Slackjaw, USA

“I heard she painted Water Lilies over 250 times and still couldn’t get it right.”

“What’s with painting all those haystacks? Each time she paints another haystack it’s more indistinct than the last one. Anyway, who wants to buy a landscape painting.”

“Those bold blocks of colour are quite unfeminine.”

“Well at least those dabs of paint will come in handy for running a finger painting session for the enfants at the crèche. Also being able to paint too quickly will help her cook a thirteen course degustation. We’ve got a Friends of the Arts fundraiser coming up.”

“Woman with a Parasol is pas mal if you want a picture of a woman with a parasol but you can’t see her features and the whole attempt is lacking definition.”

“Apparently she is trying to have her work displayed in the Salon de Paris, competing against men. Pardon me, but men have not given their consent for her to behave as though she is their equal. Doesn’t she know it’s only the frères who get égalité for all.”

“I hope she intends to clean up all that paint.”

“Talk about a privileged douche-baguette. Someone said she travelled to London at great expense because she wanted to paint the Houses of Parliament and still the painting is blurred.”

“She says she likes to paint en plein air; it’s bizarre given it’s my impression she has a perfectly good home.”

“If only she could stick to religious themes with dark colours.”

“Look at San Giorgio Maggiore at Dusk and the trouble she has painting within the lines. The effect is just too soft and the water looks like it’s moving, it’s quite disturbing and there’s just no aesthetic.”

“Irises is très ordinaire but we may as well display it in the Mairie office –the junior administratif needs a spot of colour in his bureau.”

“Can Mademoiselle Monet make a good raclette?”

“At dusk she really should be searching for a man, not the light.”

“If she is going to hang out with all the great artistes — Renoir, Matisse, Pissarro — she at least should be their muse. Also muses don’t paint. They eventually go mad and spend 30 years in an insane asylum and have their masterpiece attributed to their patron. See Camille Claudel.”

“Not a bad try for her on her Rouen Cathedral painting. We can at least make out the vague outine this time so she may end up with a realistic rendering yet.”

“If we are going to let women out en plein air it should be to loll about in the nude for a luncheon on the grass with their fully-clothed male companions to assist them with their life form painting.”

“Next women will think they can understand and critique art.”

“Mes amis, Mademoiselle Monet has given it her best shot — over 2,500 little drawings — but it’s time to terminate this silly hobby of hers and get back to making that raclette. It’s not like she’ll end up in the Louvre or anything.”